Fire.

Its been a while since I last posted. Things have been crazy lately. This whole fire in the mountains has been surreal. I have no other way of putting it. My wife (who is a total pyro) and I have gone out a few nights and tried to see the flames up close. While its been fun to experience that its also been really weird. When I look at the mountains that are normally green and sometimes pretty, I now see flames and smoke. It gives me such a downcast feeling. My soul feels heavy. Its really weird. We are not close enough to have to evacuate, but its still crazy to look up and see flames and smoke, especially at night. The bright orange spots and lines all over the mountain are freaky. Its massive destruction all over the place which happens slowly and there’s nothing we can do about it. We can only watch. Its not like an earthquake which is short in duration yet you can feel its power. Nor is it like a hurricane which you can also feel. All you can do is watch as it makes it way north, south, east, and west. Sure you can feel it if you get close enough, but who really wants to do that. Just the look of it gives me an evil feeling in my soul. I dont even know how to describe it. It could just be an analogy of where I feel like I am in life right now…slowly moving and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can fight it in places but it doesn’t really stop the entire thing.  I continually have this question running through my mind which is a lyric from a song that I dont know…why downcast o my soul?

Great question.

No idea as to what the answer is.  I’m totally excited about the future and what it might hold and yet it seems like it will never get here.  I love being married, I love living where I live and I love the people I have in my life.  Why downcast o my soul?  My wife and I love and laugh so much everyday.  She is my best friend and my backbone.  She is truly amazing.  Why downcast o my soul?  I live in SoCal, one of the greatest places on this earth.  Sun, the city, the beach, SC football, Lakers and Doyers. Why downcast o my soul? I have people in my life that are deeper than friends.  They are partners, brothers, sounding boards, counselors, family, mothers and fathers.

Why downcast o my soul?

Dammit I dont know.  This fire should be burning in my soul and not on this freaking mountain.  I’m ready for it to be over.  Its too damn smoky and gross outside and inside me.  As I write and process I can feel a change in my soul.  Its not a big one but it is the wisdom of process.  Knowing this will continue and learning how to interact with it. That is the wisdom of process according to me.  I could be totally wrong and incoherent with that phrase and explanation but I dont give a shit.  It makes sense in my mind and nothing else matters.

I’m a bit sour right now in case you couldn’t tell.  I need Jesus, a nice scotch, a good cigar, a cool summer evening, a patio, some comfy seats, my wife in my lap and my closest friends around me.  Fuck you fire.  What do you have on that?